Thursday, September 17, 2009

What are words for?

Aside from being tired pretty much all the time, things are going really well. Being around a 3 year old takes a little getting used to. What I've learned is that as long as he's awake, he requires constant attention. I don't know how *C* did it by herself for a year, without going crazy. Yet another reason she is so amazing!

But I love her son, and every day I am once again stunned by the fact that his father walked out of his life, without even looking back. It's terribly sad, though I like to think that having me in his life now lessens the impact of his abandonment. The other day, when he found out I wasn't able to come over, he started crying. I talked to him on the phone for a bit, but I don't think it made him feel better. I can certainly understand his fear of someone he cares about just disappearing from his life.

As for *C*, she really is amazing. I could list the qualities I fell in love with, but what I'm discovering may be that the most important one is the fact that she won't let me withdraw when I get hurt or angry. She demands that we fix whatever issues come up between us right away. Since my instinct is to get quiet and pretend there isn't a problem (something that I have to admit prolly helped kill my marriage), the immediacy in her manner has already turned several weekends that could have ended sadly, into some of the best weekends of my life.

We've discussed marriage in a roundabout way (like me suggesting who our photographer will be, or her saying she wants a specific song played at our wedding). Sometimes she'll say something like "I can hardly wait till we're married and you don't have to go home at the end of the night." Actually I do usually spend the night on weekends, but I don't sleep so well there so I usually go home on work nights.

Work has sucked lately. Just too much work, and too much stress. Plus I have creditors and lawsuits chasing me. Money is ever the main stress for me. We'll see if I can relieve some of the pressure when I move in with my friend *A* in a coupla months. I really wish I could stay in this apartment, but I just won't be able to afford it. I've hinted at the possibility of moving in with *C*, but she doesn't want to live together until we're married, which I understand. She has said that if circumstances require it (i.e. if things don't work out with *A* and I can't afford anyplace else), she won't make me live on the streets. lol. She does have that big old house with a spare bedroom in it...

Well, I guess that is all for now. I promise to try to update more often! :-)