SO, *C* and her son *D* and I were at a restaurant tonight, and *D* says to me, "Gregry (he's taken to calling me this instead of "Greg"), are you coming home wif us tonight?"
It was so touching, because he really does love me, and he gets upset on nights when I don't visit (which is rare). And when I do spend the night and sleep in the guest room, he rushes in there the next morning to wake me up.
Also tonight, I was distracting him at a bookstore while *C* went off to buy him a Christmas present and go hide it in her car. So I sat down on the floor next to him, and he right away just plopped down in my lap and asked me to read him the book he had picked out. It was so cute. And he's so smart that when I finished, and he wanted to read it again, I turned back to the front page and he started reading it to me! Okay, he wasn't really reading it... he had just memorized the story I had just told him, and he was telling the story back to me (in his own words) as we turned the pages. But still, that's pretty smart, huh?! Hmmmm..... I'm starting to sound like a proud father, aren't I? lol.
I've also taken to the fatherhoodish role better than I thought I would. I mean, I change his diaper (um, Greg, he's a big boy; he wears Pull-ups now!) without a second thought. I always remember to ask him if he needs to go to the bathroom before I put a fresh pull-up on him. Well, usually.
I've even learned to discipline him in a way that (I believe) doesn't over-step my role as a faux parent, but still teaches him that he can't get away with bad behavior just because I'm NOT his father. Not that he has many bad behaviors. His main behavior problems are not listening when you tell him to stop doing something, and throwing a fit if he doesn't get his way. He tries my patience sometimes, and it only makes me admire *C* more knowing that she had to deal with him by herself for so long. But she's done an amazing job with him, to keep him so loving and sweet and really just a good kid, without completely losing her mind. lol.
As for *C* herself, we are doing great. Our relationship only gets better, and each new (or for a while, recurring) issue we have seems to become less of an issue everyday. Like I mentioned before, the fact that she's the type to tackle any problems head-on has kept things from silently building into serious threats to our relationship. I'd say in that respect, she has helped me change in a way that I've always needed to, but never been able to. Now if I feel hurt or angered by something she does (or, more likely, doesn't do), I talk to her about it. Even if it means one (or both) of us will get hurt, it works out a hell of a lot better than allowing a slow resentment to build in my heart.
And on that happy note, I guess I will go to bed. Goodnight.
Friday, October 9, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
What are words for?
Aside from being tired pretty much all the time, things are going really well. Being around a 3 year old takes a little getting used to. What I've learned is that as long as he's awake, he requires constant attention. I don't know how *C* did it by herself for a year, without going crazy. Yet another reason she is so amazing!
But I love her son, and every day I am once again stunned by the fact that his father walked out of his life, without even looking back. It's terribly sad, though I like to think that having me in his life now lessens the impact of his abandonment. The other day, when he found out I wasn't able to come over, he started crying. I talked to him on the phone for a bit, but I don't think it made him feel better. I can certainly understand his fear of someone he cares about just disappearing from his life.
As for *C*, she really is amazing. I could list the qualities I fell in love with, but what I'm discovering may be that the most important one is the fact that she won't let me withdraw when I get hurt or angry. She demands that we fix whatever issues come up between us right away. Since my instinct is to get quiet and pretend there isn't a problem (something that I have to admit prolly helped kill my marriage), the immediacy in her manner has already turned several weekends that could have ended sadly, into some of the best weekends of my life.
We've discussed marriage in a roundabout way (like me suggesting who our photographer will be, or her saying she wants a specific song played at our wedding). Sometimes she'll say something like "I can hardly wait till we're married and you don't have to go home at the end of the night." Actually I do usually spend the night on weekends, but I don't sleep so well there so I usually go home on work nights.
Work has sucked lately. Just too much work, and too much stress. Plus I have creditors and lawsuits chasing me. Money is ever the main stress for me. We'll see if I can relieve some of the pressure when I move in with my friend *A* in a coupla months. I really wish I could stay in this apartment, but I just won't be able to afford it. I've hinted at the possibility of moving in with *C*, but she doesn't want to live together until we're married, which I understand. She has said that if circumstances require it (i.e. if things don't work out with *A* and I can't afford anyplace else), she won't make me live on the streets. lol. She does have that big old house with a spare bedroom in it...
Well, I guess that is all for now. I promise to try to update more often! :-)
But I love her son, and every day I am once again stunned by the fact that his father walked out of his life, without even looking back. It's terribly sad, though I like to think that having me in his life now lessens the impact of his abandonment. The other day, when he found out I wasn't able to come over, he started crying. I talked to him on the phone for a bit, but I don't think it made him feel better. I can certainly understand his fear of someone he cares about just disappearing from his life.
As for *C*, she really is amazing. I could list the qualities I fell in love with, but what I'm discovering may be that the most important one is the fact that she won't let me withdraw when I get hurt or angry. She demands that we fix whatever issues come up between us right away. Since my instinct is to get quiet and pretend there isn't a problem (something that I have to admit prolly helped kill my marriage), the immediacy in her manner has already turned several weekends that could have ended sadly, into some of the best weekends of my life.
We've discussed marriage in a roundabout way (like me suggesting who our photographer will be, or her saying she wants a specific song played at our wedding). Sometimes she'll say something like "I can hardly wait till we're married and you don't have to go home at the end of the night." Actually I do usually spend the night on weekends, but I don't sleep so well there so I usually go home on work nights.
Work has sucked lately. Just too much work, and too much stress. Plus I have creditors and lawsuits chasing me. Money is ever the main stress for me. We'll see if I can relieve some of the pressure when I move in with my friend *A* in a coupla months. I really wish I could stay in this apartment, but I just won't be able to afford it. I've hinted at the possibility of moving in with *C*, but she doesn't want to live together until we're married, which I understand. She has said that if circumstances require it (i.e. if things don't work out with *A* and I can't afford anyplace else), she won't make me live on the streets. lol. She does have that big old house with a spare bedroom in it...
Well, I guess that is all for now. I promise to try to update more often! :-)
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
The one without a title.
I've decided to come home to this blog, though where I write doesn't matter much. I actually left here because I didn't want *d* reading my thoughts anymore. I doubt she's inclined to anyway, but I've finally reached the point where I don't really care whether she does or not. She showed her true colors to me, even if she manages to keep pretending to everyone else.
Just a basic update. *C* and I are still going strong. We've been dating about 5 months now, and our love is growing deeper. It's amazing how well we click on so many levels. Just as a simple example, the other day we were talking about poetry, and she said there was one by Byron that she had been memorizing. I said, "Oh, Byron has this one poem that I really love, it's called 'Stanzas for Music' ". She replied, "That's the one I was talking about!" and started reciting it to me. I just thought it was really cool that of all the poems Lord Byron has written, we were both drawn to the same one.
Anyway, she understands me on a level that no one ever has. We have enough in common to always have something to talk about, and enough differences to always have something to share. It's pretty awesome.
I also get along wonderfully with her 3 year old son, who has taken to kissing me goodbye and telling me he loves me. He gets as excited as she does when I see them. It's really moving.
We've also talked about having kids of our own. We even had a slight pregnancy "scare" last week. The thing about that is, while neither of us wanted to be pregnant just now, neither of us was terrified at the prospect. The "not pregnant" on the test strip elicited sighs of relief mixed with a few moments of disappointment.
Well, I don't have time to update anymore than that right now. I know what few readers I used to have are gone, but I'm still rolling on...
Just a basic update. *C* and I are still going strong. We've been dating about 5 months now, and our love is growing deeper. It's amazing how well we click on so many levels. Just as a simple example, the other day we were talking about poetry, and she said there was one by Byron that she had been memorizing. I said, "Oh, Byron has this one poem that I really love, it's called 'Stanzas for Music' ". She replied, "That's the one I was talking about!" and started reciting it to me. I just thought it was really cool that of all the poems Lord Byron has written, we were both drawn to the same one.
Anyway, she understands me on a level that no one ever has. We have enough in common to always have something to talk about, and enough differences to always have something to share. It's pretty awesome.
I also get along wonderfully with her 3 year old son, who has taken to kissing me goodbye and telling me he loves me. He gets as excited as she does when I see them. It's really moving.
We've also talked about having kids of our own. We even had a slight pregnancy "scare" last week. The thing about that is, while neither of us wanted to be pregnant just now, neither of us was terrified at the prospect. The "not pregnant" on the test strip elicited sighs of relief mixed with a few moments of disappointment.
Well, I don't have time to update anymore than that right now. I know what few readers I used to have are gone, but I'm still rolling on...
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Standing in Judgement
We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.--LONGFELLOW.
I'll be the first to admit that at times I have given people reason to have low expectations of me. I lived much of my life in fear, and in taking the easy way out. *D*, in particular, seems to have taken those low expectations to heart. So much so that she felt it was in her place to betray 10 years of trust and friendship. She contacted my wife and told her that I was cheating on her with *C*. Now, I'm not going to fall into Clinton-esque arguments about what constitutes cheating, but I will say that *C* stayed strong in keeping me from straying in a formal sense, though it's true that my heart had been wandering for some time. Of course, *D* once had my heart as well, and had offered to stray with me in a very formal sense. So her moral ambiguity at that time, in contrast to her supposed moral outrage now, only proves how much she has grown as a woman. I guess. Kudos to her goddessness.
My point is, *D* was judging me from what she knew of me in the past. She judged me by what I had already done. (From my point of view, btw, as a friend she should not have been judging me at all, but she's all about living by destruction. Tearing down to build back up and all that). She was actually only trying to force my wife and I to break up, because she felt that a) it would be best for me, and b) I would never do it myself. I truly believe that is how she reconciles her actions with her moral principles. Kudos again to her, if she can make that leap. Now, whether she was right about the first part remains to be seen. And she was clearly wrong about the second part. But the big question I have is, what right did she have in meddling in my life in the first place? More than that, what right did she have in using information that she only knew because of a relationship built on trust and love, in order to do that meddling?
Funny thing is, by the time my wife got her message, I had already broken up with her. It's true that it didn't stick, and we got back together for a while, but we are separated now, and will eventually divorce. *D*'s judgement ended up being wrong on so many levels that all she really did was prove what being unfaithful really means. I learned many things from *D* over our decade long friendship, including the concept of unconditional love (ironic, yes? What's more ironic is that I was the only man who has ever offered that back to her). She taught me to trust again, after many years of being afraid to. But it's funny that in the end, all her best lessons taught me that the only person I can truly trust is myself.
Others may judge me for what I have done. *D* judges me for who she wishes I was. I judge myself, for who I am.
I'll be the first to admit that at times I have given people reason to have low expectations of me. I lived much of my life in fear, and in taking the easy way out. *D*, in particular, seems to have taken those low expectations to heart. So much so that she felt it was in her place to betray 10 years of trust and friendship. She contacted my wife and told her that I was cheating on her with *C*. Now, I'm not going to fall into Clinton-esque arguments about what constitutes cheating, but I will say that *C* stayed strong in keeping me from straying in a formal sense, though it's true that my heart had been wandering for some time. Of course, *D* once had my heart as well, and had offered to stray with me in a very formal sense. So her moral ambiguity at that time, in contrast to her supposed moral outrage now, only proves how much she has grown as a woman. I guess. Kudos to her goddessness.
My point is, *D* was judging me from what she knew of me in the past. She judged me by what I had already done. (From my point of view, btw, as a friend she should not have been judging me at all, but she's all about living by destruction. Tearing down to build back up and all that). She was actually only trying to force my wife and I to break up, because she felt that a) it would be best for me, and b) I would never do it myself. I truly believe that is how she reconciles her actions with her moral principles. Kudos again to her, if she can make that leap. Now, whether she was right about the first part remains to be seen. And she was clearly wrong about the second part. But the big question I have is, what right did she have in meddling in my life in the first place? More than that, what right did she have in using information that she only knew because of a relationship built on trust and love, in order to do that meddling?
Funny thing is, by the time my wife got her message, I had already broken up with her. It's true that it didn't stick, and we got back together for a while, but we are separated now, and will eventually divorce. *D*'s judgement ended up being wrong on so many levels that all she really did was prove what being unfaithful really means. I learned many things from *D* over our decade long friendship, including the concept of unconditional love (ironic, yes? What's more ironic is that I was the only man who has ever offered that back to her). She taught me to trust again, after many years of being afraid to. But it's funny that in the end, all her best lessons taught me that the only person I can truly trust is myself.
Others may judge me for what I have done. *D* judges me for who she wishes I was. I judge myself, for who I am.
Monday, February 16, 2009
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