Thursday, March 5, 2009

Standing in Judgement

We judge ourselves by what we feel capable of doing, while others judge us by what we have already done.--LONGFELLOW.

I'll be the first to admit that at times I have given people reason to have low expectations of me. I lived much of my life in fear, and in taking the easy way out. *D*, in particular, seems to have taken those low expectations to heart. So much so that she felt it was in her place to betray 10 years of trust and friendship. She contacted my wife and told her that I was cheating on her with *C*. Now, I'm not going to fall into Clinton-esque arguments about what constitutes cheating, but I will say that *C* stayed strong in keeping me from straying in a formal sense, though it's true that my heart had been wandering for some time. Of course, *D* once had my heart as well, and had offered to stray with me in a very formal sense. So her moral ambiguity at that time, in contrast to her supposed moral outrage now, only proves how much she has grown as a woman. I guess. Kudos to her goddessness.

My point is, *D* was judging me from what she knew of me in the past. She judged me by what I had already done. (From my point of view, btw, as a friend she should not have been judging me at all, but she's all about living by destruction. Tearing down to build back up and all that). She was actually only trying to force my wife and I to break up, because she felt that a) it would be best for me, and b) I would never do it myself. I truly believe that is how she reconciles her actions with her moral principles. Kudos again to her, if she can make that leap. Now, whether she was right about the first part remains to be seen. And she was clearly wrong about the second part. But the big question I have is, what right did she have in meddling in my life in the first place? More than that, what right did she have in using information that she only knew because of a relationship built on trust and love, in order to do that meddling?

Funny thing is, by the time my wife got her message, I had already broken up with her. It's true that it didn't stick, and we got back together for a while, but we are separated now, and will eventually divorce. *D*'s judgement ended up being wrong on so many levels that all she really did was prove what being unfaithful really means. I learned many things from *D* over our decade long friendship, including the concept of unconditional love (ironic, yes? What's more ironic is that I was the only man who has ever offered that back to her). She taught me to trust again, after many years of being afraid to. But it's funny that in the end, all her best lessons taught me that the only person I can truly trust is myself.

Others may judge me for what I have done. *D* judges me for who she wishes I was. I judge myself, for who I am.

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